Extraverts Are People Too: Understanding Human Behaviour

This post can now be seen on the new Frances Evesham's Blog

Everyone wants to be an introvert. At least,that's how it seems from the explosion around the internet.

It’s all too easy to get dragged into the “Introvert: good. Extravert: bad.” confrontation. When you’ve suffered for years from people telling you to “get out more” while all the time your own preferences are telling you you’d rather be “in” with a good book, it’s a relief to find you’re not alone.

Not many of us perch neatly at one extreme of the introvert/extravert axis. I’m mostly an introvert, but sometimes I like to grab the limelight and give a presentation. I need to spend some time hiding, exhausted, in the bathroom afterwards, of course, so that no one talks to me. I get most of my energy from quiet thinking but sometime I just love a boost from other people. And the applause, of course. Who really hates applause?

It's not only an introvert that likes to walk in the peace of the rainforest. An extravert can love it too, and maybe wants to talk about it afterwards. If no one talked about their experience, how would we ever get to know about it? Word of mouth is a beautiful thing. For introverts, writing makes it possible to express our thoughts and feelings without the complication of other people, but how would we feel if no one ever read anything we wrote?

 

We’re a jumble of differences, understanding the world from our own, individual viewpoint and we all live somewhere along the introvert-extravert pole.

Psychological typing is much more subtle than the debate suggests. Drs Myers and Briggs Myers developed the Myers Briggs instrument, to look at a wide range of human behaviours. I heard that their research stemmed from wondering why they behaved alike while their spouses were so different. That makes sense to me. Have you ever wondered why your child, or your partner, or your relatives or friends can’t just “Be Like You?”

The world is wonderful because we can’t all be like you. Or like me.

So, let’s not get sucked into thinking that only one type of person can think deeply or truly care about others or understand complex ideas.

Let’s spend more time trying to understand what makes other people the way they are.  Let’s try to walk a mile in their moccasins.

Connect to a Listener's World: Your Communication Kit

We need our senses to feed information to us about the world. We use a constant supply of information to tell us where we are, what’s happening, what might happen and what people think. Remember the film “Short Circuit?” When the robot, Number Five, becomes human after a lightning strike he needs constant “input.” 

Noise can overwhelm a listener child. photo dreamstimefree_8577967

Our five main sources of "input" are sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell, although we also talk about others, like our sense of direction or of time. We use all our senses at different times, and often together, but some people have a strong preference for one.

John often says, “I hear what you’re saying,” or “that rings a bell.” He likes the TV turned down low.

Jane says, “I see what you mean,” and “watch what you’re doing.”  She likes her bedroom to be pitch black at night.

Listeners

John is a musician. You can tell by his preference for metaphors, (comparing one thing with another) that use hearing as their base. References to bells, ears, ticking clocks, being “in tune” with others and traffic noise can indicate that a person is very aware of sound. John likes to use his “auditory channel.”

Jane, on the other hand, likes to see things. I’ll talk a bit more about visual people in the next post.

Depending heavily on one sense can have a downside. Sometimes people, especially some children, are so sensitive to one kind of input that they find it distracts them from using their other senses. Many musicians and others with an “auditory preference” find it impossible to concentrate when they hear any noise at all, especially loud music. 

Children who are sensitive to sound can quickly become tired and unhappy in a noisy classroom.

Seven ways to connect with people who use sound metaphors and rely heavily on their hearing:

• Speak calmly. Your tone is an important way of communicating and “listeners” will be sensitive to how you sound. Speak too loud and you can come over as aggressive.

•  Make sure your voice is smooth. Hoarseness, a too-deep, gravelly tone or a high-pitched squeak will infuriate a keen listener.
   
• Practice breathing from your diaphragm. This is the best way to overcome any problems with voice quality. Your voice will become firmer and you will need to raise it less often to get yourself heard.       
  
  
• Offer spoken instructions alongside pictures or the written word where possible, especially when explaining to children. People who prefer the hearing channel are likely to remember things they hear more easily than things they see and touch.    
   
• Turn the music down. Yes, I mean you, restaurant managers and shop owners. Above a very low level, many people with high sensitivity to sound simply cannot bear to hear the noise. It hurts and distracts. They will leave and never return.
          
• Try gentle, quiet music as a way to calm an over-excited auditory child, cutting out visual clutter such as a heap of toys. Keep your voice soft and speak slowly.        
   
• Check emails from your boss and colleagues. If they uses expressions that suggest they’re “listeners,” use similar metaphors to make your words resonate with them.

How to Connect: Your Communication Kit

“Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” suggests John Gray. It's a great book, but there's more to our differences than gender. We need to learn to communicate better across the board, avoiding confusion and offence. We have to understand more about what really makes people different from each other. It's possible to find a way to get through to anyone: partners, colleagues, friends, rivals, even teenagers. We just need to understand more about what goes on in their minds.

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Brains

For years, psychologists have struggled to tease out what makes people tick. Advances in neuroscience take us ever closer to understanding how our brains work. Maybe we’ve heard a little about mirror neurons and empathy, or we've heard which parts of our brains light up when we’re happy, but we’re still so different from each other that our behaviour quirks and oddities never cease to astonish us. 

Preferences

My husband loves a James Bond car chase while I’d rather watch Downton Abbey, yet we think alike in many other ways. We’re both members of the “table manners” police and we laugh at the Big Bang Theory. What makes us disagree on some things but agree on others? Is it our genes or the way we were brought up? Would our brains look the same or different?

If we want to engage with someone when we talk or write, we need to understand a bit about them. Then we can choose the best way to get our message across. Talking about a character’s emotions won’t keep my husband’s attention but explaining a scientific study on neurons has him riveted.

The message

Communicating depends on far more than just telling people things. It’s one of our most complex activities. We use complicated verbal and non-verbal patterns, choose the best channel (email, telephone, face-to-face?)  and hope our carefully constructed message is received in the spirit in which we sent it.

Have you ever sent an email that offended? You didn’t mean it to, did you? It seemed OK when you read it. Why didn’t the reader understand that you were joking?

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Then, there’s arguing. How can you disagree with someone without fighting? What’s the best way to get your point across without raising the temperature in the room?

To communicate well we have to find a way to talk or write so that it really means something to the other person.

Understanding the world

It’s difficult because we’re all different. Things that are meaningful to me may seem boring or silly to you. Have you ever been given a present that you hate when you know the giver has tried hard to get it right? Maybe your husband gave you an expensive necklace when you longed for an iPad, for example. How can you tell him what you want without pointing to the gift and spoiling all the surprise?

The more we understand about the way other people see the world, the easier it will be to communicate effectively. We might even find our dream gift in this year’s Christmas stocking.

Over the next few posts, I’ll deal with some of the things you might take into account when you communicate.

A starter for ten

Here’s a tiny quiz to start the ball rolling.

John often says, “I hear what you’re saying,” or “that rings a bell.” He likes the TV turned down low. Jane says, “I see what you mean,” and “watch what you’re doing.”  She likes her bedroom to be pitch black at night.

One of them is a musician. Which one?

How could you change the language you use with the musician so that you’re more attuned to each other?

Handshakes, Hugs and Kisses: Tiptoe Through the Minefield of Non Verbal Communication

This post can be seen on the new Frances Evesham's Blog along with new content.

Around the world, we smile, hug and kiss, shake hands or bow when we meet. Our arms, bodies, voices and faces all have a role to play in meeting and greeting. How strange that we behave so differently, depending where we live.

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It's easy to undermine our communication messages if we don't take care. For example, Mary thinks hugs are warm and cosy. She throws her arms round someone when she's pleased to see them, because she loves them, or maybe wants to comfort them. Sadly, though, as a serial hugger she doesn't always realise when the huggee is uncomfortable.

When she hugged Diane, her cousin stood still and stiff, waiting awkwardly until she finished. It wasn't because she doesn't like Mary. It's just that people don’t behave like that where she comes from. She'd have preferred a simple smile.

Differences

Learn a little about the culture of the person you greet. The Chinese, says blogger Hsin-Yi, don’t hug. They prefer to nod and smile, even when greeting an old and close friend after years of absence. Even fond mothers don’t hug their daughters, but show their love in practical ways, like in the food they cook.

Kisses

In South America, on the other hand, hugging’s just not quite enough.  Warm and friendly, Brasilians and Argentinians like to plant a couple of warm kisses on your cheek, along with a hug and a pat on the back. Men kiss men there, so northern Europeans may have to deliver something more than their usual handshake, brief eye contact or (very) restrained hug. 

Technique

In other parts of Europe, the French and Belgians kiss once, twice or three times on the cheek, depending on familiarity or even the part of the country. Walk into a room here and you’ll find yourself passing from one person to the next, kissing each cheek separately. 

Helpful hint: try putting your left cheek forward first when you kiss to avoid untidy nose-bumps.

Restraint

Northern Europeans may prefer the sort of hug that makes sure no body parts actually touch, or the “mwa-mwa” air kiss. Without the body contact, it’s often eye contact and a warm smile that shows you care. You could try the politician's favourite handshake, where you clasp the other person’s hands with both of yours, or grab their forearm at the same time, but beware of seeming controlling or condescending.

Maybe the Maoris in New Zealand manage things best with their Hongi, where they touch noses and breathe together. 

If you go to Japan, learn to bow politely, or in India you may need to touch an older relative’s feet in order to show real respect.

Tips

Your best bet is to research the country you visit carefully before you go, then spend some time people-watching when you arrive, so you can see how most people behave.

More Communication blogs:

How To Make Friends When You're Shy

How To Be an Introvert

Verbal and Non Verbal Communication Skills: Ten Golden Rules