How to Connect: Your Communication Kit

“Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” suggests John Gray. It's a great book, but there's more to our differences than gender. We need to learn to communicate better across the board, avoiding confusion and offence. We have to understand more about what really makes people different from each other. It's possible to find a way to get through to anyone: partners, colleagues, friends, rivals, even teenagers. We just need to understand more about what goes on in their minds.

dreamstimefree 1407401

Brains

For years, psychologists have struggled to tease out what makes people tick. Advances in neuroscience take us ever closer to understanding how our brains work. Maybe we’ve heard a little about mirror neurons and empathy, or we've heard which parts of our brains light up when we’re happy, but we’re still so different from each other that our behaviour quirks and oddities never cease to astonish us. 

Preferences

My husband loves a James Bond car chase while I’d rather watch Downton Abbey, yet we think alike in many other ways. We’re both members of the “table manners” police and we laugh at the Big Bang Theory. What makes us disagree on some things but agree on others? Is it our genes or the way we were brought up? Would our brains look the same or different?

If we want to engage with someone when we talk or write, we need to understand a bit about them. Then we can choose the best way to get our message across. Talking about a character’s emotions won’t keep my husband’s attention but explaining a scientific study on neurons has him riveted.

The message

Communicating depends on far more than just telling people things. It’s one of our most complex activities. We use complicated verbal and non-verbal patterns, choose the best channel (email, telephone, face-to-face?)  and hope our carefully constructed message is received in the spirit in which we sent it.

Have you ever sent an email that offended? You didn’t mean it to, did you? It seemed OK when you read it. Why didn’t the reader understand that you were joking?

 dreamstimefree

Then, there’s arguing. How can you disagree with someone without fighting? What’s the best way to get your point across without raising the temperature in the room?

To communicate well we have to find a way to talk or write so that it really means something to the other person.

Understanding the world

It’s difficult because we’re all different. Things that are meaningful to me may seem boring or silly to you. Have you ever been given a present that you hate when you know the giver has tried hard to get it right? Maybe your husband gave you an expensive necklace when you longed for an iPad, for example. How can you tell him what you want without pointing to the gift and spoiling all the surprise?

The more we understand about the way other people see the world, the easier it will be to communicate effectively. We might even find our dream gift in this year’s Christmas stocking.

Over the next few posts, I’ll deal with some of the things you might take into account when you communicate.

A starter for ten

Here’s a tiny quiz to start the ball rolling.

John often says, “I hear what you’re saying,” or “that rings a bell.” He likes the TV turned down low. Jane says, “I see what you mean,” and “watch what you’re doing.”  She likes her bedroom to be pitch black at night.

One of them is a musician. Which one?

How could you change the language you use with the musician so that you’re more attuned to each other?

One Secret The Best Communicators Understand.

This post can now be seen, along with new content, on Frances Evesham's Blog.

I can hear you sigh: if only there was one simple rule for good communication skills. One cast-iron guaranteed way you can find the right thing to say to help you get that job, deal with your teen’s sulks, know when to argue and recognise when to apologise.

© Bevd@l | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Well, worry no more. There’s one communication skill that outweighs all the practice in the world in making eye contact, nodding and matching people’s leg-crossings.

Not that those things don’t help you communicate better, of course. They do. But they work because of this one special gift we can all share.

Have you guessed it yet?

Ok, for those of you who didn’t already scan down the page to peek, I’ll tell you. It’s empathy. The big E.

The magic silver bullet you need to succeed. 

Empathy is the ability to feel what another person feels, understand his point of view and imagine what he’s thinking. Or, as Native Americans (possibly) have said, “to walk a mile in another man's moccasins.” Or woman's, obviously.

© Clarita | Dreamstime Stock Photos

When you understand the person you're talking to, you can tailor your messages to suit them. If they're cross, you may use a calm voice to deflect their anger. If they're worried, you could ask what's wrong, or if they're anxious, you may want to offer support.

Now I hear you wonder why, if this fabulous gift is out there and free of charge, we aren’t all grabbing it and working our silver-tongued magic on everyone from the car salesman to our toddler with a tantrum.

The answer is that although some degree of empathy seems to be hard-wired in our brains, making use of it is a skill, and like any skill, it takes hard work and practice to grow it. Lots of practice. Plus determination, focus, time, effort and all the other difficult stuff you thought you could leave behind when you left school.

Oh, I feel your pain (laughs cruelly). You thought it was going to be easy.

On the other hand, you can work on it while you watch TV, trawl through Twitter and flirt with Facebook.

When you feel empathy, when you understand the way the other person thinks, you react in a way that means something to them. In the simplest terms, it means you don’t laugh when someone tells you their cat died. You may be a dog person, and think all cats are witches’ familiars, but you know enough about the cat’s owner to feel at least a little of their sorrow.

Obligatory cat picture © Marilyn Barbone | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Empathy comes more easily to some than to others, like all human traits.Work to improve your empathy and you’ll find your communication skills develop automatically.

Find out what other people feel and think by watching them and listening to them. Their body language gives you plenty of clues. Here are a few hints:

1              She tends to look at the floor rather than at you: she’s paying attention to how she feels inside, she may be shy, not confident, may even be upset.

2              He makes great eye contact: he feels happy, confident and friendly.

3              She folds her arms: whoops, she’s anxious or nervous, or wants you to keep your distance.

4              He strokes his hair or touches his face: he cares what you think about him.

5              She speaks in a high voice: she’s nervous, or likes to be like a little girl (think Minnie Mouse).

There are hundreds of types of body language. Don’t forget to watch conversations between others or on the screen to pick up some clues. Learn to recognise ‘tells’: the tiny movements or the eyes, or hands, or facial muscles people use that give them away when they’re nervous, telling lies or trying to sell you something. That’s how poker players operate.

Once you see how someone feels it’s far easier to talk to her.

Why not do a spot of people-watching, next time you’re on the bus or in a restaurant?

What have you noticed people doing that gives you a clue about them? I’d love to hear your stories.