Extraverts Are People Too: Understanding Human Behaviour

This post can now be seen on the new Frances Evesham's Blog

Everyone wants to be an introvert. At least,that's how it seems from the explosion around the internet.

It’s all too easy to get dragged into the “Introvert: good. Extravert: bad.” confrontation. When you’ve suffered for years from people telling you to “get out more” while all the time your own preferences are telling you you’d rather be “in” with a good book, it’s a relief to find you’re not alone.

Not many of us perch neatly at one extreme of the introvert/extravert axis. I’m mostly an introvert, but sometimes I like to grab the limelight and give a presentation. I need to spend some time hiding, exhausted, in the bathroom afterwards, of course, so that no one talks to me. I get most of my energy from quiet thinking but sometime I just love a boost from other people. And the applause, of course. Who really hates applause?

It's not only an introvert that likes to walk in the peace of the rainforest. An extravert can love it too, and maybe wants to talk about it afterwards. If no one talked about their experience, how would we ever get to know about it? Word of mouth is a beautiful thing. For introverts, writing makes it possible to express our thoughts and feelings without the complication of other people, but how would we feel if no one ever read anything we wrote?

 

We’re a jumble of differences, understanding the world from our own, individual viewpoint and we all live somewhere along the introvert-extravert pole.

Psychological typing is much more subtle than the debate suggests. Drs Myers and Briggs Myers developed the Myers Briggs instrument, to look at a wide range of human behaviours. I heard that their research stemmed from wondering why they behaved alike while their spouses were so different. That makes sense to me. Have you ever wondered why your child, or your partner, or your relatives or friends can’t just “Be Like You?”

The world is wonderful because we can’t all be like you. Or like me.

So, let’s not get sucked into thinking that only one type of person can think deeply or truly care about others or understand complex ideas.

Let’s spend more time trying to understand what makes other people the way they are.  Let’s try to walk a mile in their moccasins.

It’s Not Only People Who Communicate

When your cat sits in the doorway, glaring at you until you feed him, you know he’s communicating.

  




































We talk a lot, and sometimes we get trapped into imagining this to be our main way of sending each other messages.

But we only convey about 20 percent of our meaning verbally, especially when we’re sending emotional messages.

Body Language

When we want to tell people we’re angry, or tired, or we just wish they’d go away and leave us alone, we can do it through folding our arms, leaning away, looking at the floor, sighing, and raising our eyebrows.

Have you ever been driven to despair by  your kids, or even your partner, not because of what they say, but because of the WAY they say it?   

We use our face muscles, our heads, our bodies, our arms and legs to tell people what we think.

Even when we resort to words, we use volume, pitch, rhythm and tune to make the meaning clear.

It’s perfectly possible to say “Yes” and at the same time make it clear you mean “No.”

Animal Communication

We need to stop imagining that the only sorts of communication in existence are words. Then, we might take a bit more time to understand animals – and our own kids.

The rest of the world is more like humans than you might think.

Plants have friends. Yes, chillis like to be close to their mates, basil. They grow better even when they can’t see each other.

Chimps have up to 30 different calls. They also stamp and throw rocks. They even grin when they’re nervous, like humans do.

Dogs yawn and seem to use this to diffuse tension. They wag their tails, yelp, whine, sniff, move their ears around and raise the hair on their backs. We can’t manage half of that.

Even fish communicate: the oyster toadfish calls out when he wants to mate.

Dolphins have had a bad press recently, according to the Dolphin CommunicationProject. After years of hero worship, it turns out pigs and chickens can do many of the things dolphins can –including making friends and living socially. Because we picked up on some of their communication, we thought they were clever.

By clever, of course, we mean, like us.

Talking Without Words: Non Verbal Communication

"We're getting married," my son announced. We cheered. "In Brazil."

The prospect of an escape from England, as it shivered in mid-December, made us crow with delight. What's more, the wedding venue was Salvador,  in the hot north-east of the country near the equator, where the new in-laws live.

Yes, it really does look like this.© Lisa James | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Sunshine: check.  Palm trees: check. Heat 30 degrees: what’s not to like?

Girls with tanned bodies and long hair. No wonder my husband was so keen.

Did you know that Brazilians speak Portuguese, not Spanish as I imagined? So much for my vague memories of learning Spanish on holiday on the Costas, then.

We did not speak Portuguese. My son’s fiancée’s family spoke no English. How then, were we to understand each other, let alone spend the entire day of the wedding together? The thought was daunting, but the solution simple.

We had to loosen up our British stiff upper lips and let our bodies do the talking.

We dipped our toes in the water with smiles and nods, hugs and multiple kisses on the cheek (at least two). Good relations established, we saw rougher seas ahead. How do you make small talk, or just chat or crack jokes, when you don't share a language?

We would not let words get in our way. We took deep breaths and plunged in, arms waving and eyebrows waggling.

“Oh,” we said, with smiles and two hands to our faces. Everyone saw it meant, "She looks beautiful."

We shrugged, frowned and glanced to either side to ask where we should sit. They pointed and patted the seats.

“Have some cake” was easy, so was “More champagne?” Everyone can mime eating and drinking.

With a little help from our dictionaries, some paper to draw on and more champagne we didn't look back. 

We waved our hands; we jumped up to perform elaborate mimes. If one person couldn’t guess what we meant, another one could.

We found out who was on their second marriage, who had been having affairs and who with. We talked about the price of houses and debated how to travel by car around Salvador. (Tip: close your eyes.)

Sometimes, the conversation stopped for a while. But it didn’t matter. We sat together, not talking, to enjoy each other’s company.

Of course, everything's easier when the sun shines and you sit outside around the pool, but some of the lessons from that day will stay with me always.

So here’s what I learned:

• If you want to communicate you can do so without words. All it takes is goodwill and the willingness to lose some of your inhibitions.

•  Silence is no enemy to communication. Sitting quietly together can create a real bond.

•  Always have paper and a pen with you.

• Don’t be afraid to draw – stick people are the high points of my ability, but they get the message across.

• Use your hands, your facial expressions and even inarticulate grunts: anything to help people understand. Unleash your inner actor.

And yes, since you ask, the women are scandalously gorgeous over there. But, on the other hand, our new Brazilian family swooned over our fair hair and blue eyes.

Handshakes, Hugs and Kisses: Tiptoe Through the Minefield of Non Verbal Communication

This post can be seen on the new Frances Evesham's Blog along with new content.

Around the world, we smile, hug and kiss, shake hands or bow when we meet. Our arms, bodies, voices and faces all have a role to play in meeting and greeting. How strange that we behave so differently, depending where we live.

Leloft1911 dreamstime stock images

It's easy to undermine our communication messages if we don't take care. For example, Mary thinks hugs are warm and cosy. She throws her arms round someone when she's pleased to see them, because she loves them, or maybe wants to comfort them. Sadly, though, as a serial hugger she doesn't always realise when the huggee is uncomfortable.

When she hugged Diane, her cousin stood still and stiff, waiting awkwardly until she finished. It wasn't because she doesn't like Mary. It's just that people don’t behave like that where she comes from. She'd have preferred a simple smile.

Differences

Learn a little about the culture of the person you greet. The Chinese, says blogger Hsin-Yi, don’t hug. They prefer to nod and smile, even when greeting an old and close friend after years of absence. Even fond mothers don’t hug their daughters, but show their love in practical ways, like in the food they cook.

Kisses

In South America, on the other hand, hugging’s just not quite enough.  Warm and friendly, Brasilians and Argentinians like to plant a couple of warm kisses on your cheek, along with a hug and a pat on the back. Men kiss men there, so northern Europeans may have to deliver something more than their usual handshake, brief eye contact or (very) restrained hug. 

Technique

In other parts of Europe, the French and Belgians kiss once, twice or three times on the cheek, depending on familiarity or even the part of the country. Walk into a room here and you’ll find yourself passing from one person to the next, kissing each cheek separately. 

Helpful hint: try putting your left cheek forward first when you kiss to avoid untidy nose-bumps.

Restraint

Northern Europeans may prefer the sort of hug that makes sure no body parts actually touch, or the “mwa-mwa” air kiss. Without the body contact, it’s often eye contact and a warm smile that shows you care. You could try the politician's favourite handshake, where you clasp the other person’s hands with both of yours, or grab their forearm at the same time, but beware of seeming controlling or condescending.

Maybe the Maoris in New Zealand manage things best with their Hongi, where they touch noses and breathe together. 

If you go to Japan, learn to bow politely, or in India you may need to touch an older relative’s feet in order to show real respect.

Tips

Your best bet is to research the country you visit carefully before you go, then spend some time people-watching when you arrive, so you can see how most people behave.

More Communication blogs:

How To Make Friends When You're Shy

How To Be an Introvert

Verbal and Non Verbal Communication Skills: Ten Golden Rules