An Independent Woman: Coming Soon

Soon to be published by the Wild Rose Press, my new Victorian mystery novel An Independent Woman has this amazing cover designed by the talented Debbie Taylor.

Future updates (and loads of lovely Victorian trivia) from my new blog

Follow my blog with Bloglovin or like me on my Facebook page to hear more.

The Wrong Toothbrush: Your Communication Kit

Yesterday I used my husband’s toothbrush.

It was an accident, honest, guv. You see, we share one toothbrush base and have different coloured rings on our brushes to distinguish each one. Trust me, it’s the kind of thing you do when you’ve been married for 33 years.

I have yellow, he has red. It's a simple system that's worked well up until yesterday.

Yesterday, he changed his brush for a new one. His new brush has a blue ring.

So, why did I take his blue brush instead of my yellow one?

Communication with myself

It was all the fault of communication, but not his communication with me. After all, my toothbrush ring is still yellow. He had not touched it. There was no reason why he should mention he had changed his own brush. 

Unfortunately, the language of the subconscious monologue that runs in my head gave me a mixed message.

In my mind, I distinguished my toothbrush ring not as “YELLOW”, but as “NOT RED.” Instead of using a positive description, I had a negative idea floating in my mind.

I grabbed the toothbrush with a ring that was "NOT RED", and used it. What I missed was that there was now a choice of two "NOT RED" brushes. I had a 50-50 chance of getting it right and I chose the wrong option.

After I finished brushing my teeth I put the brush back on its little holder and realised my mistake. I noticed the ring was blue. That was a head-scratching moment.

“Blue.” I thought, perhaps a little slowly. “We don’t have a blue toothbrush.” Then, light dawned on me.

At least it was my husband’s toothbrush. It would have been much worse if it had belonged to a stranger.

So take care with negatives, even with the words you use to yourself. In fact, avoid negatives altogether if possible. Here's more about the horrid effects of negative language.

Negatives are unreliable and confusing and they bring you down with a bump. Think positive.

From now on, my toothbrush ring is YELLOW. Have you got that, brain? YELLOW.

PS I confessed and yes, we are still talking, thanks.

How to Connect: Your Communication Kit

“Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” suggests John Gray. It's a great book, but there's more to our differences than gender. We need to learn to communicate better across the board, avoiding confusion and offence. We have to understand more about what really makes people different from each other. It's possible to find a way to get through to anyone: partners, colleagues, friends, rivals, even teenagers. We just need to understand more about what goes on in their minds.

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Brains

For years, psychologists have struggled to tease out what makes people tick. Advances in neuroscience take us ever closer to understanding how our brains work. Maybe we’ve heard a little about mirror neurons and empathy, or we've heard which parts of our brains light up when we’re happy, but we’re still so different from each other that our behaviour quirks and oddities never cease to astonish us. 

Preferences

My husband loves a James Bond car chase while I’d rather watch Downton Abbey, yet we think alike in many other ways. We’re both members of the “table manners” police and we laugh at the Big Bang Theory. What makes us disagree on some things but agree on others? Is it our genes or the way we were brought up? Would our brains look the same or different?

If we want to engage with someone when we talk or write, we need to understand a bit about them. Then we can choose the best way to get our message across. Talking about a character’s emotions won’t keep my husband’s attention but explaining a scientific study on neurons has him riveted.

The message

Communicating depends on far more than just telling people things. It’s one of our most complex activities. We use complicated verbal and non-verbal patterns, choose the best channel (email, telephone, face-to-face?)  and hope our carefully constructed message is received in the spirit in which we sent it.

Have you ever sent an email that offended? You didn’t mean it to, did you? It seemed OK when you read it. Why didn’t the reader understand that you were joking?

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Then, there’s arguing. How can you disagree with someone without fighting? What’s the best way to get your point across without raising the temperature in the room?

To communicate well we have to find a way to talk or write so that it really means something to the other person.

Understanding the world

It’s difficult because we’re all different. Things that are meaningful to me may seem boring or silly to you. Have you ever been given a present that you hate when you know the giver has tried hard to get it right? Maybe your husband gave you an expensive necklace when you longed for an iPad, for example. How can you tell him what you want without pointing to the gift and spoiling all the surprise?

The more we understand about the way other people see the world, the easier it will be to communicate effectively. We might even find our dream gift in this year’s Christmas stocking.

Over the next few posts, I’ll deal with some of the things you might take into account when you communicate.

A starter for ten

Here’s a tiny quiz to start the ball rolling.

John often says, “I hear what you’re saying,” or “that rings a bell.” He likes the TV turned down low. Jane says, “I see what you mean,” and “watch what you’re doing.”  She likes her bedroom to be pitch black at night.

One of them is a musician. Which one?

How could you change the language you use with the musician so that you’re more attuned to each other?

Storytelling for Toddlers: Help Your Child Talk With His Own Stories

Twitter buddies have been tweeting about bedtime stories. Most toddlers seem to like the made up ones best. 

Sometimes,  mums and dads worry about whether they can make up 'good enough' stories. So to prove how easy it is, here's one I prepared earlier.

Kids love repetition and it helps them learn language skills. This story is as simple as can be. Start it off, and your toddler will soon join in.

Go ahead and add your own variations, using your own child's name. 

You'll soon find your own stories are better!


Aunt Jemima's Cakes

Nick woke up one morning feeling excited. His Aunt Jemima was coming to tea. 

"She likes cakes" he thought. "We'll have cakes for tea." Nick liked cakes, too! "I'll go to the shops straight away." 

And he ran off, forgetting to make a list of the things he would need. 


He ran as fast as he could, and bought some flour. He ran home again and put it in his mixing bowl. 

"Oh dear," he said. "I bought the flour but I forgot the chocolate."

He ran back to the shop and bought some chocolate. He ran home again and put it in his mixing bowl. 

"Oh dear, " he said. "I bought the flour and the chocolate but I forgot the butter."


He ran back to the shop and bought some butter. He ran home again and put it in his mixing bowl.

"Oh dear," he said. "I bought the flour and the chocolate and the butter but I forgot the eggs."

He ran back to the shop and bought the eggs... and so on. You get the picture!

Keep going, adding new items for the cakes and repeating them all in a list each time.

Finally, go for a big finish.

At last Nick was very hot and tired, but he had all the things he needed for Aunt Jemima's cakes. He had the flour, the chocolate, the eggs, the milk, the sugar ....etc.

He made the cakes, then looked at the calendar.

"Oh bother" he said. "Aunt Jemima isn't coming today at all - she's coming next week."

"Never mind, I'll just have to eat all the cakes myself."


And so he did. 

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What stories do your toddlers like? I'd love to know. Use the contact me button to get in touch or just leave a comment on the blog.

How to Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter: Your Baby's Understanding

Here's extract number 12 from How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter: your chance to learn more about the way your child learns to talk.

The third key that unlocks the mysteries of language for your child, is understanding. In previous extracts, we've looked at how he learns to notice and pay careful attention to the world around him, and how he learns to listen to noises.

This extract explains how your baby starts to understand the significance of words, and looks at the importance of gesture.

If you're a new reader, CLICK HERE to read How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter from the very beginning.This link takes you to the first post, so you can read the extracts in sequence. At the end of each week's post you'll see a link to take you on to the next extract. I try to post every Friday, by noon GMT.

Communication
is a two-way process. You talk, while I listen and decode your words in order to understand what you mean. Then I reply, while you listen, decode and understand, according to research undertaken in 1948 by Shannon and Weaver. If this process is going to work when you talk to your child, he needs to understand the words you use, and the grammatical structures you use to assemble them together into meaningful sentences.

Without that understanding, your communication is less effective and the message is lost or scrambled. Your child needs to understand the meaning of the words, phrases and sentences of language, so he can follow verbal instructions, ask for things, or pass on information.

Understanding: infants
At birth, your baby does not understand any words, although he can hear your voice and enjoy its sound, finding it soothing. At this time, his concern is to make sure you respond to his demands for food, warmth and comfort, to keep him alive. All his brainpower focuses on fulfilling his immediate needs.

As he grows, and his billion brain cells start to build connective pathways to each other, he begins to recognize that your voice sounds different at certain times and in certain circumstances. Sometimes you speak quietly, but sometimes you sound agitated or urgent.

He starts to notice the differences and he turns to look at the person speaking, interested in the noise their speech makes. He gets excited when he hears your voice approaching, associating it with the good things about a parent: food, comfort, warmth and safety.

Understanding: six months
At around 6 months, he turns to the sound of doorbells or dogs barking, hearing the difference between those noises and speech. Now he realizes that your speech is more than simple noise. He hears some sound combinations repeated. He hears you say “no” or “bye-bye” many times, and the link between meaning and sound grows in his brain.

He starts to recognize his own name, probably the word he hears most often. He also begins to understand the language of gesture, including waving.

Understanding: gesture
He needs to hear words and see gestures in context, to work out what they mean. This is a good time to start introducing simple signing. Signing allows him to associate gestures with words and their meaning.

Gestures are easier for him to understand and copy than words. They’re bigger, which makes them easier to see and the movements are less complicated. A wave is one simple movement, easy to decode and understand, while the word “bye-bye” is a string of small sounds put together in a special pattern.

Signs are easier for him to make, as they need fewer fine motor skills: and his motor skills are still developing alongside his language.

Come back next week for another extract. A link will appear HERE.

If you're finding these extracts useful, and can't wait to read the rest of the ebook, you can BUY NOW. Download How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter to your Kindle in seconds for only £3.53 ($5.73).

Communication Newsletter: Child Talk, Music, Stroke and Brains

I like to sample the web and sniff out tasty communication–related topics.

There are stacks out there, so here’s my selection box of tasters. Please dip in.

Choose from helping your child talk (one of my favourite flavours), some fellow-bloggers’ thoughts on the benefits of silence and music, a sign of hope for stroke patients and this month’s favourite soft centre: the importance of red wine and chocolate, preferably enjoyed together. Yum.

Enjoy!

Child language
The Hello 2011 campaign is raising awareness of the importance of your child’s first three years. That’s when your baby/toddler learns language most quickly – so why not take advantage of that window. There’s plenty of help on the Hello site, including some great videos.

Early years are key for communication skills yet 1 in 5 new parents unaware of need to talk to their baby! Don’t be one of that 20%.

Helpful pauses and magical silences
Good news for parents who um and er. It doesn’t matter if you hesitate a bit when you talk to your children – in fact, it may even help them, by slowing your speech down and giving them time to understand it. In fact, pauses in speech help everyone, not just children, to process what you say.

I love this post from Mary Plouffe, a clinical psychologist, on the healing power of silence.She’s someone who welcomes pauses and silences, and her writing style enchants. Take a while to read and think. Maybe, like many of us, you could use some extra quiet in your life?

Communication, science and the brain
Future hope for locked in syndrome sufferers. When is life no longer worth living? How can you tell what another person thinks if he can’t speak or move?

Here’s a hopeful post on how scientists are bypassing motor problems in stroke patients and using blocked brain signals to enable movement again. Wonderful prospects for people longing to communicate and their families.

Music has great power to relieve stress http://bit.ly/gWcR5L There’s a strong linked to talking, in fact there are theories that the two abilities develop as one in a tiny baby. If your life is busy, your toddler fractious or your tween hyper, try some calming music.

Chocolate and red wine: of course it's good for you!

Try some of these other posts on communication:

Your Five Senses

Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Skills: Ten Best Tips for Better Understanding





Credits: Child listening to music image

How to Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter: Check His Progress

The first 3 years of your child’s life are filled with rapid language development and learning. Keep an eye on how he’s doing. Be aware of the progress he’s making, and check from time to time that he’s moving forward.


Checklist
Use this checklist to make sure your child’s language skills keep developing in line with other children of his age. If you’re worried about his progress, talk to your healthcare practitioner, whether it’s a health visitor or a GP. They should refer you to a speech and language therapist who can carry out an assessment to see how your child is getting on, looking in detail at his progress.


Up to one in 10 children have difficulty with learning language skills, and this can cause problems. Children with language problems find it harder to make friends, to learn to read and to make the most of their education. Use your child’s early years to give him a head start.


At 3 months
Loud noises startle your child.


He gives his first social smiles, especially when he hears his mother’s voice. These are ‘real’ smiles, with eye contact that sets them apart from the smiles of a tiny baby.


He copies some of the sounds you make.


He turns when he hears a noise.


He imitates some of your facial movements, such as sticking out his tongue when he sees yours. This reaction takes a few seconds, so give him plenty of time.


At 6 months
He turns when you say his name, recognising it.


He watches your face intently when you talk to him.


He makes many different sounds, not all of them recognisable as sounds from English.


He puts a series of sounds together as ‘babble’.


He recognises emotions from your tone of voice, and may respond when you say ‘no’.


He shouts, gurgles and coos, enjoying his own noises.


At 1 year
He may become clingy and cry for his parents when they leave, as he recognises they are different from strangers and are important to him.


He finds hidden objects, when he’s seen you hide them, even when they’re completely out of sight.


He recognises a picture of an object and looks at it when you say its name.


He clearly understands and responds to ‘no’.


He uses simple gestures, such as shaking his head or waving “bye-bye”.


He may say ‘da da’ or “ma ma” with meaning.


He may copy words you say.


At 2 years
He concentrates hard on what he’s doing and ignores everything else.


He becomes excited to be with other children.


He tries pretend play.


He points to named objects.


He says several words and 2 word phrases.


He follows instructions of 2-3 words.


He knows the names of body parts and many objects.


At 3 years
He listens to what you say, but is easily distracted.


He starts to take turns in games.


He separates from his parents without becoming too disturbed.


He enjoys routine and becomes upset at sudden changes.


He enjoys pretend play.


He knows dozens of words for common objects.


He uses 3-4 word sentences, but with immature grammar.


He can say his own name.


Many of his words are understandable, but he makes plenty of mistakes.


At 4 years
He stops what he’s doing to listen to what you say.


He plays cooperatively with other children.


He becomes far more independent.


He knows some colours and numbers.


He can retell parts of a story.


He speaks clearly enough for strangers to understand him.


He uses 4-5 word sentences, though still makes grammar errors.


At 5 years
He can listen while he carries on with his activity.


He enjoys his friends and copies their behaviour.


He sings and dances.


He understands some time concepts.


He uses a range of past and future tenses.


He can tell stories.


This article comes from How to help your child talk and grow smarter. If you’d like to read more, check out the Kindle eBook here.

Learning to talk is child's play

Watching children play is such fun. They love to offer pretend cups of tea, or bath teddy and put him to bed. It's even more fun to join in, and the great thing is that you're helping them learn to talk.


Pretending is so important to a child's developing language skills. There's good reason for this.


Language is a set of symbols
When your toddler offers you a cup of pretend tea from a miniature cup, and you pretend to drink it, nobody is fooled. He knows as well as you do that there is no real tea in the cup. What's more, he knows you know.


The cup represents or symbolizes a real cup of tea.


The word cup is a symbol that stands for a real cup, just as the toy cup does. Toys are symbols, so are pictures and so and words.


Although language is something that most of us learn easily, in fact it's a very sophisticated system of symbols. A word stands for something, just as a doll stands for a person and a picture of a toy car stands for a real car.


When you think of it like that, it's amazing that any of us learn to talk at all: never mind reading or writing.


We can help
Parents and grandparents can really help a baby learn about symbols.


The learning starts as he concentrates on one toy, staring at it, feeling it, sucking it. He doesn't need a cot full of stuff at this stage. He can only think about one thing at a time.


When he loses interest, offer him something else. This makes sure he isn't bombarded with too many things at once.


Then he starts to play with two things at a time, putting bricks in boxes and banging his rattle on his cot. This is the next step on the journey to language.


Soon you'll start to see real 'pretending' as he uses a toy teacup to pretend to drink. At first he pretends to drink himself or offers a drink to you, but then he'll offer a drink to teddy.


Now you can see that teddy is like a real person to him. He might kiss him, wash him, and out him to bed.


Here's where grownups really come into their own. This kind of play is for anyone. Even uncles who claim 'I don't know how to talk to children' enjoy tea parties, dressing doll games and pretending to bath teddy and put him to bed.


If you'd like to read more about language and communication skills, check out How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter, our Amazon Kindle eBook (you can also read it on iPhone, iPad, PC, Mac...     BUY NOW for only £5.66.