Does Your Boss Care What You Wear? Nonverbal Communication: Your Communication Kit

We talk to connect with people. We make energetic and loudly meaningful noises from the moment we’re born. Most of our communication, though, involves more than words. Many people find it easier and more meaningful to communicate visually than through their other senses.

For most of us, the way we make sense of the world is mostly visual. Our visual input is huge. We watch films and video games for entertainment, go to the theatre or sports events, decorate our houses and buy clothes, our eyes constantly open for the way things look. Beauty calms us and makes us happy.

Even our language is full of visual references. We talk or write about having bright ideas and may describe the experience of being let down as “seeing someone in their true colours.”   

Painters, sculptors and filmmakers, fashion (and kitchen) designers, interior decorators and gardeners all rely heavily on our love of visual stimulation. Even writers provide their work on the page.

Connect visually

Since sight is so important to us, it makes sense to watch out for ways to increase our connection with each other through visual means.

Nonverbal communication tells us more about meaning than the words we choose. Mehrabian found that over 80% of communication about emotive subjects came through body language, gesture, facial expression and posture, so it pays to think about the way you ( and others) use body language.Don't fall into the traps set by clever salesmen!

All of us, even (or especially) children are amazingly quick to recognize when your body language is different from the words you say. That’s why they complain when you keep glancing at your iPad. They know you’re not really giving them your attention.

How to spot a “looker.”

A looker may gesture constantly and speak quickly as though she’s describing a film. Maybe her eyes turn upwards up as she talks, as she accesses her visual memory. She pays attention to her clothes and hair and likes her house decorated beautifully.

Seven ways to communicate with lookers.

•  Take care that your nonverbal signals match the mood of what you say. Smile when you’re angry and you look false. It’s almost impossible to completely fake your body language, unless you’re a brilliant actor, so don’t try.
• Think happy thoughts about the person as you talk. If you tell yourself you like them (or just their shoes or hat) the warm thought will come through in your expression. Your eyes will crinkle, just so, and your lips relax. (NB muscles of mouth). If your mind is full of fury, you may find yourself pointing, folding your arms or standing too close. You just can’t manage all those little give-away signs at once.
• Use verbal imagery to a looker. Talk about being on the same page with them, tell them to watch out for a bright idea you’re about to explain. Ask them to let you paint the picture.

•  At work, they may prefer an email approach to a phone call. But, take care with your emails: they can be a minefield of misunderstanding. Read every one over at least twice before you hit the “send” button.

•  Check your appearance, especially if your boss is a looker. A hem that’s falling down, baby sick on your shoulder, a skirt that’s too tight: she’ll spot them all.
  

•  Describe things with pictures and diagrams and put them in writing. Verbal directions may be too confusing. Write things down whenever you can.

•  Use colour carefully. Red is energetic, but it can look aggressive. Blue is relaxed but can seem cold. Yellow looks bright and cheerful, especially in winter, but too much can tire the eyes. Use colour to match the mood you want to convey.

Handshakes, Hugs and Kisses: Tiptoe Through the Minefield of Non Verbal Communication

This post can be seen on the new Frances Evesham's Blog along with new content.

Around the world, we smile, hug and kiss, shake hands or bow when we meet. Our arms, bodies, voices and faces all have a role to play in meeting and greeting. How strange that we behave so differently, depending where we live.

Leloft1911 dreamstime stock images

It's easy to undermine our communication messages if we don't take care. For example, Mary thinks hugs are warm and cosy. She throws her arms round someone when she's pleased to see them, because she loves them, or maybe wants to comfort them. Sadly, though, as a serial hugger she doesn't always realise when the huggee is uncomfortable.

When she hugged Diane, her cousin stood still and stiff, waiting awkwardly until she finished. It wasn't because she doesn't like Mary. It's just that people don’t behave like that where she comes from. She'd have preferred a simple smile.

Differences

Learn a little about the culture of the person you greet. The Chinese, says blogger Hsin-Yi, don’t hug. They prefer to nod and smile, even when greeting an old and close friend after years of absence. Even fond mothers don’t hug their daughters, but show their love in practical ways, like in the food they cook.

Kisses

In South America, on the other hand, hugging’s just not quite enough.  Warm and friendly, Brasilians and Argentinians like to plant a couple of warm kisses on your cheek, along with a hug and a pat on the back. Men kiss men there, so northern Europeans may have to deliver something more than their usual handshake, brief eye contact or (very) restrained hug. 

Technique

In other parts of Europe, the French and Belgians kiss once, twice or three times on the cheek, depending on familiarity or even the part of the country. Walk into a room here and you’ll find yourself passing from one person to the next, kissing each cheek separately. 

Helpful hint: try putting your left cheek forward first when you kiss to avoid untidy nose-bumps.

Restraint

Northern Europeans may prefer the sort of hug that makes sure no body parts actually touch, or the “mwa-mwa” air kiss. Without the body contact, it’s often eye contact and a warm smile that shows you care. You could try the politician's favourite handshake, where you clasp the other person’s hands with both of yours, or grab their forearm at the same time, but beware of seeming controlling or condescending.

Maybe the Maoris in New Zealand manage things best with their Hongi, where they touch noses and breathe together. 

If you go to Japan, learn to bow politely, or in India you may need to touch an older relative’s feet in order to show real respect.

Tips

Your best bet is to research the country you visit carefully before you go, then spend some time people-watching when you arrive, so you can see how most people behave.

More Communication blogs:

How To Make Friends When You're Shy

How To Be an Introvert

Verbal and Non Verbal Communication Skills: Ten Golden Rules 

How to help your child talk and grow smarter: early language development non-verbal communication and signing

Charles Darwin recognised, back in 1872, that humans and animals show emotion through their gestures. More recently, in 1971, Albert Mehrabian published his book “Silent Messages”, suggesting that as little as 7 percent of communication relies on words. The rest depends on body language, gesture, facial expression and tone of voice. Although your baby has no real words until 12 to 18 months of age, he communicates constantly, practising many of the non-verbal skills that will smooth his path in life, as an effective communicator.


Early communication
Your newborn baby immediately communicates with you, through non-verbal crying. By the time he reaches 3 years of age, he talks in small sentences. As he makes that speedy language development journey, he combines developing motor skills with his growing intellect and social awareness to communicate. He interacts with you, his family and his widening circle of friends in any way he can find.


His first, hugely successful cries have you running towards him at top speed to feed, change or cuddle him. Every baby’s loud, shrill screams have an instant effect on his parents. Breast-feeding mothers find their milk flowing as soon as they hear them.


He notices your voice within days and soon turns towards you when you speak to him. Your words mean nothing to him at this stage but he notices whether your voice is loud of soft, angry or loving. He makes eye contact with you, learning the valuable lesson for life that non-verbal communication builds human relationships. His first social smile appears at around 3 months.


Your baby’s vocalisations begin to change. He coos with happiness and shouts with displeasure, but his first words remain a few months in the distance. In the meantime, he tries out different sounds, babbling happily in strings of nonsense sounds.


Signing
At around 6 to 9 months, he transfers objects from one hand to the other. He learns to wave “bye bye” and clap his hands. Parents sometimes like to introduce a few baby signs at this stage, such as simple signs for “eat”, “drink” and “more”. One or two small studies, described in Dr Marilyn Daniels’ “Dancing With Words”,suggest that babies who use signing show an increase in their measured IQs at the age of 8.


However, The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA) website points out that little research into the long-term benefits of baby signing exists. ASHA suggests that the IQ difference between babies whose parents use signing and other babies may be due to genetic and environmental advantages from the babies’ parents.


The Royal College of Speech and Language Therapists in the UK advises that signing parents should always combine the signs with the spoken word.


Whether you teach specific signs to your baby or not, he recognises your non-verbal behaviour. He knows when you are anxious or stressed, and responds by becoming fractious. By the end of his first year, he may become anxious when you leave him, because he recognises your unique place in his life. He continues to use eye contact, tone of voice and gestures such as shaking his head to communicate with you. He may say his first word, and his non-verbal skills continue to develop during the rest of his early years.


References
“The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals”; Charles Darwin; 1872


“Silent Messages”; Albert Mehrabian; 1971


“Dancing With Words”; Dr Marilyn Daniels; 2001


“SLTs Say Baby Signing Programmes are Not Necessary for Most Children”; RCSLT press release; 27 October 2003


The ASHA Leader; “About Baby Signing”; Brenda Seal; 2010


Ir you'd like to know how to help your child talk and grow smarter, take a peek at this Kindle eBook.