Never Say This To Anyone, Ever

I saw a shocking advertisement the other day. Not one designed to cause distress, nor an appeal for a good cause. The advertiser just wanted me to buy a lottery ticket.

The presenter asked, “Are you doing the lottery?” and then said, “You should be.” My blood boiled.

I have nothing against lotteries, or even against gambling in moderation. After all, I will be happily rich when I hit the jackpot with my one weekly ticket.

However, to suggest to someone that they are somehow failing in some unspecified duty by not gambling is, I believe, immoral and potentially harmful.

I blame the word “should.”

I would like to remove that word from every dictionary, along with its equally insidious, creepy friend, “ought.”

I read the other day that some people struggle for approval from others, while others work harder at avoiding disapproval. The second group, the ones who struggle hard to avoid disapproval, suffer most from “should” torment, but others are not immune.

Our longing to avoid censure means that many of us carry rucksacks-full of guilt on our backs. We may be worried about what other people think or just about the differences between the way we would like to be and the way we really behave. 

The fear of failure to meet our internal goals dogs many of us. We find it hard to avoid our condemnation of our own conduct and we have to work hard to stay positive.

Every time someone tells me that I “should exercise more ” or “ought to recycle” they tap directly into my store of guilt. 

Using “should” can be an easy way of persuading, without taking responsibility for the consequences.

“You should only feed your baby every four hours,” a doctor told a new mother. The baby cried after three hours. What was the mother to do, torn between the guilt of withholding food from her child and the guilt of failing to do her duty, as set out by a person in authority? 

The doctor could have avoided causing that problem. If she had said, “I advise feeding every four hours if possible,” the baby’s mother would have felt free to make her own informed decision. 

Or, if there was some unusual medical issue that meant this particular baby would be in danger if fed earlier, the doctor could have made that clear by saying, “You must feed every four hours.”

When you talk to your child, your partner, your colleague or your friend, you can avoid imposing a guilt trip.

You may be tempted to tell your child, “I think you should let Michael play with the train.” This is unfair. It puts all the responsibility on the child. Instead, be brave. If you really want your child to give the train to Michael, say “It’s Michael’s turn. Give him the train now,” and make sure he obeys you. If you’re not sure, why not let the children sort it out for themselves?

Instead of, “You should read that book,” try “I enjoyed that book and I think you might, too.”

And when someone tries to sell you something by saying you “should” buy it, remember they are trying to manipulate you through guilt and make up your own mind. 

More on making language work for you in these posts

How to Make Positive Suggestions

How to Give Advice

Have you ever found yourself persuaded by someone making you feel guilty? I'd love to hear your story.

Help Your Child Talk: Telling Stories Your Toddler Will Love

Welcome  to  Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter: this week's extract from the SpeechContacts Kindle and your chance to learn more about the way your child learns to talk. 

This week, there's more about making up stories for your child. It's so easy. Enjoy watching as your child uses his own creativity to join in with your storytelling.

One of the great things about toddlers is they just love repetition. So use the same words and sentences in your story: the more you repeat, the more he'll love it. 

 

Here's a story designed to encourage short phrases. It's built around the phrases "teddy eats" and "eats banana/cake/etc". When you make up similar stories, just follow these rules:

1. Keep the phrases short.
2. Repeat the same words many times.
3. Tell the story often.
   

Hungry Teddy

Teddy is hungry. Mummy gives him a banana. 

Teddy eats the banana.    Teddy is still hungry. 

  













Mummy gives him a cake. Teddy eats the cake. But Teddy is still hungry.

Mummy gives him a biscuit. Teddy eats the biscuit. But Teddy is still hungry.... 

And so on ... Then make a big finish:    

                          

Teddy is full right up and he isn't hungry any more.

When you make up your stories about everyday objects, why not take photos of the objects, print them out and stick them in a book. Hey presto, your child has his very own story book. Or you can download pictures like the ones here, from dreamstime.com 

More storytelling posts here:

Storytelling for Toddlers

Five Simple Ways to Improve Your Writing

Help Your Child Talk by Playing and Pretending

Today, we've reached the 20th extract from How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter: your chance to learn more about the way your child learns to talk.

If you're a new reader, CLICK HERE to read How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter from the very beginning.This link takes you to the first post, so you can read the extracts in sequence. I try to post every Friday, by noon GMT. 

This week's extract shows how your baby begins to develop his understanding of 'pretending'.  This is important, as we saw last week, because it leads him to discover how to use symbols. Language, both spoken and written, is a complex system of symbols.

Play:infants
Play begins as your baby looks closely at his toys during his first year. He puts things in his mouth, turns them over, pokes them and shakes them. Rattles, soft toys, a mother's earrings: they all come in for the 'see it, feel it, suck it' treatment as he finds out what these strange things are, and what they can do. 

He needs time to understand how each object looks, sounds, tastes, smells and feels before he moves on to the next stage. Throughout his first year, your baby’s play revolves around his five senses and real objects. Towards the end of the year, he uses real objects for their intended purpose. He drinks from his cup and maybe uses a hairbrush on his own hair. 

 Play: experiment
Once he becomes familiar with objects, he notices that some have a relationship to others. He puts a spoon in and out of a cup and makes stirring movements. He tries to put other objects in the cup, and finds that some things fit while others, such as bricks, may not fit so well in a cup, but sit nicely on top of each other. He explores constantly, finding out more about the properties of everything around him.

Soon he starts “pretending”, using toys as though they are the real thing. He pretends to drink from a toy cup, or brushes his own hair with a doll’s size brush. At first, he does these pretend actions to himself, but then he begins to offer a “drink” to teddy or brushes dolly's hair. 

Teddy is like a real person to him now. He might kiss him and wash him. He reproduces aspects of his own life through his play with a teddy or a doll. Let him take teddy everywhere, exploring the world of make believe and expanding his understanding of language. 

Come back next week to find out how you can enjoy this exciting stage with your toddler, and help him learn to talk at the same time. 



 If you're finding these extracts useful, and can't wait to read the rest of the ebook, just download How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter to your Kindle in seconds for only £3.53 ($5.73).

Storytelling for Toddlers: Help Your Child Talk With His Own Stories

Twitter buddies have been tweeting about bedtime stories. Most toddlers seem to like the made up ones best. 

Sometimes,  mums and dads worry about whether they can make up 'good enough' stories. So to prove how easy it is, here's one I prepared earlier.

Kids love repetition and it helps them learn language skills. This story is as simple as can be. Start it off, and your toddler will soon join in.

Go ahead and add your own variations, using your own child's name. 

You'll soon find your own stories are better!


Aunt Jemima's Cakes

Nick woke up one morning feeling excited. His Aunt Jemima was coming to tea. 

"She likes cakes" he thought. "We'll have cakes for tea." Nick liked cakes, too! "I'll go to the shops straight away." 

And he ran off, forgetting to make a list of the things he would need. 


He ran as fast as he could, and bought some flour. He ran home again and put it in his mixing bowl. 

"Oh dear," he said. "I bought the flour but I forgot the chocolate."

He ran back to the shop and bought some chocolate. He ran home again and put it in his mixing bowl. 

"Oh dear, " he said. "I bought the flour and the chocolate but I forgot the butter."


He ran back to the shop and bought some butter. He ran home again and put it in his mixing bowl.

"Oh dear," he said. "I bought the flour and the chocolate and the butter but I forgot the eggs."

He ran back to the shop and bought the eggs... and so on. You get the picture!

Keep going, adding new items for the cakes and repeating them all in a list each time.

Finally, go for a big finish.

At last Nick was very hot and tired, but he had all the things he needed for Aunt Jemima's cakes. He had the flour, the chocolate, the eggs, the milk, the sugar ....etc.

He made the cakes, then looked at the calendar.

"Oh bother" he said. "Aunt Jemima isn't coming today at all - she's coming next week."

"Never mind, I'll just have to eat all the cakes myself."


And so he did. 

................

What stories do your toddlers like? I'd love to know. Use the contact me button to get in touch or just leave a comment on the blog.

How To Make Positive Suggestions and Improve Your Child’s Behaviour: Communication Skills That Work

Don’t peek at the picture at the end of this post.

I bet you found it hard to resist just taking a quick look. As soon as you read that suggestion, your curiosity jumped into action. Maybe the ‘don’t’ also annoyed you enough to want to disobey.

I wonder how many times you say ‘don’t’ or 'stop' to your child every day. You may have the best intentions, but every time you mention something you want him to avoid, you plant the suggestion in his mind.

Once his brain has a clear picture or idea in it, he'll find it hard to resist. He needs your help to replace it with something else.

Avoid encouraging negativeideas and images by changing your own language.

Learn to make positive suggestions that focus your child's attention on the behaviour you want to encourage.

Stop coughing
A tickly cough can be a nightmare when you want to keep quiet. The more she tries not to cough, the more that tickle irritates your child. Better advice would be: Breathe out slowly, counting to four, then in again gently.

Distract her attention to another part of her body, making a comment on her shoes or suggesting her ear may be itching. Or get her to distract herself by pinching her finger tips together or getting her to sip a glass of water.

Stop laughing at that man
Sometimes, your child or teen will be overcome by embarrassing embarrassing giggling that he just can't control. Help him to get a grip on himself by making alternative suggestions that distract his attention, like: Look what’s happening over there? and pointing in the opposite direction.

Don’t run
Much better to say: Walk slowly and carefully. That focuses attention on to the action you want and helps your child put his energy into walking as slowly as he can.

Stop shouting
A class of noisy six year olds will quieten much more quickly if you ask them to practice their whispers, tell them to copy your actions as you put your finger on your lips or point and say: Look! in a commanding voice.

Don’t look down
Imagine you’re walking along a tightrope and a helpful friend calls that out. It maybe hadn’t occurred to you to look down until they suggested it! Your friend would have done much better to say: Keep looking at the tree straight ahead.

Get better results by planting positive suggestions in your child’s mind.

Here’s that picture at last: Your Happy Kids!

Some more posts on communication skills:


How to Avoid the Unscrupulous Salesman’s Language Traps

How to Banish Guilt Through Positive Thinking

How to Give Advice: Communication Skills That Work

How to Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter: Check His Progress

The first 3 years of your child’s life are filled with rapid language development and learning. Keep an eye on how he’s doing. Be aware of the progress he’s making, and check from time to time that he’s moving forward.


Checklist
Use this checklist to make sure your child’s language skills keep developing in line with other children of his age. If you’re worried about his progress, talk to your healthcare practitioner, whether it’s a health visitor or a GP. They should refer you to a speech and language therapist who can carry out an assessment to see how your child is getting on, looking in detail at his progress.


Up to one in 10 children have difficulty with learning language skills, and this can cause problems. Children with language problems find it harder to make friends, to learn to read and to make the most of their education. Use your child’s early years to give him a head start.


At 3 months
Loud noises startle your child.


He gives his first social smiles, especially when he hears his mother’s voice. These are ‘real’ smiles, with eye contact that sets them apart from the smiles of a tiny baby.


He copies some of the sounds you make.


He turns when he hears a noise.


He imitates some of your facial movements, such as sticking out his tongue when he sees yours. This reaction takes a few seconds, so give him plenty of time.


At 6 months
He turns when you say his name, recognising it.


He watches your face intently when you talk to him.


He makes many different sounds, not all of them recognisable as sounds from English.


He puts a series of sounds together as ‘babble’.


He recognises emotions from your tone of voice, and may respond when you say ‘no’.


He shouts, gurgles and coos, enjoying his own noises.


At 1 year
He may become clingy and cry for his parents when they leave, as he recognises they are different from strangers and are important to him.


He finds hidden objects, when he’s seen you hide them, even when they’re completely out of sight.


He recognises a picture of an object and looks at it when you say its name.


He clearly understands and responds to ‘no’.


He uses simple gestures, such as shaking his head or waving “bye-bye”.


He may say ‘da da’ or “ma ma” with meaning.


He may copy words you say.


At 2 years
He concentrates hard on what he’s doing and ignores everything else.


He becomes excited to be with other children.


He tries pretend play.


He points to named objects.


He says several words and 2 word phrases.


He follows instructions of 2-3 words.


He knows the names of body parts and many objects.


At 3 years
He listens to what you say, but is easily distracted.


He starts to take turns in games.


He separates from his parents without becoming too disturbed.


He enjoys routine and becomes upset at sudden changes.


He enjoys pretend play.


He knows dozens of words for common objects.


He uses 3-4 word sentences, but with immature grammar.


He can say his own name.


Many of his words are understandable, but he makes plenty of mistakes.


At 4 years
He stops what he’s doing to listen to what you say.


He plays cooperatively with other children.


He becomes far more independent.


He knows some colours and numbers.


He can retell parts of a story.


He speaks clearly enough for strangers to understand him.


He uses 4-5 word sentences, though still makes grammar errors.


At 5 years
He can listen while he carries on with his activity.


He enjoys his friends and copies their behaviour.


He sings and dances.


He understands some time concepts.


He uses a range of past and future tenses.


He can tell stories.


This article comes from How to help your child talk and grow smarter. If you’d like to read more, check out the Kindle eBook here.

Build Your Own Communication Kit 6: How to banish guilt through positive thinking

“I should have visited my mother more often.” “I ought to have worked harder for my exam.” “I must spend more time helping my child with his homework.”

When you want to beat yourself up, there’s no better way than telling yourself all the things you “ought to” do or “should have” done. These phrases express a sense of obligation and correctness and when you use them you feel that you’re not doing the best you can.

“Should” and “ought” encourage feelings of guilt. You may spend far too much time feeling guilty. Lessen that guilt by changing the way you think.

Internal dialogue
You, like all of us, have an internal dialogue running through your head. You may be aware of it constantly, or just occasionally. You use it to rehearse things you plan to do or say, and to relive past events.

The language you employ during that conversation reflects how you feel about yourself and reinforces those feelings. It perpetuates any feelings of worthlessness, of failing to come up to scratch, of being less good than all those other perfect people who, you imagine, would have done the things you “should” have. It feels as though you have a nagging critic constantly telling you how far you’ve fallen short.

Those weasel phrases hold up a distorted mirror to your face. In that mirror, you see the reflection of someone who has failed to be perfect. You take away that picture, imagining it to be the real you.

Adjust the dialogue
Break in to this vicious circle. Remember you have charge of your thoughts. You can change your internal conversation with yourself to make it positive. Instead of thinking, “I should have said ‘no’ to that slice of cake,” say, “I enjoyed that cake. I will choose to have an apple instead of dessert tonight so that I continue to maintain my diet.”

Take responsibility for your actions.

Notice how rarely you do things simply because you feel you “ought”. If you do, you probably feel miserably resentful. You usually do things because you think the outcome will be worth the effort in some way.

When you find yourself using the “ought” or “should” words, take a moment to consider just why you believe you should be doing something. Maybe you actively want to do well in your exam, or make your mother happy.

Decide what outcome you want, so you take the appropriate actions. You can decide not to do something, and take the consequences. If you fail to study, for example, you may fail the exam. How much does that matter to you? Only you can decide.

Concentrating on the outcome of your actions, not on the actions themselves, gives you permission to decide not to do things. Imagine being at your mother's funeral. How will you feel then if you look back and know you visited her? How will you feel if you decide not to visit? You may decide that she is asking for an unreasonable commitment from you, that will not improve her life or yours in the long term. You may decide to be firm and say “no”.

Make sure you think carefully about the eventual outcome of your action, so that you choose it through logical thought, not a vague, guilty feeling that you “ought” or “should”.

Learn from the past
As you replay past events in your head, you may decide an outcome was less good than you hoped. For example, you may have given a public presentation and stumbled over your words, dropped your notes and tripped down the stairs. You feel bad. You feel guilty: that you let people down. You may think you “ought” to have spoken more slowly, tied the notes together and held the banister of the stairs.

This is hindsight talking.

You did your best according to the resources you had available at the time. It was your first presentation. You did not know how much practice you needed. Perhaps you were surprised at how nervous you felt.

Next time, you have additional resources at your disposal because of your experience. You know how you may feel, so you can prepare yourself more effectively. Make a plan. Practice slower speech and learn your notes by heart. Arrange not to walk down stairs, or practice going more slowly.

Increase your stock of resources for the next time and work towards a better outcome.

Your child’s dialogue
Help your child learn more mature ways of making decisions. She builds her internal conversation habits on the way she feels about herself, just as you do. Help her to think positively so that she understands and learns from mistakes while keeping a healthy regard for herself.

If she is rude to an adult, for example, rather than telling her she “should” or “must” be polite, point out that her behaviour was a mistake. Show her the consequences. It put her in a bad light. You are cross with her and the adult thinks she is ignorant and stupid. She may sacrifice a treat because of her behaviour.

Help her to see that behaviour that is more acceptable, leads to a better outcome, so she learns to make sensible decisions based on reality, not guilt.

How to help your child talk and grow smarter: early language development non-verbal communication and signing

Charles Darwin recognised, back in 1872, that humans and animals show emotion through their gestures. More recently, in 1971, Albert Mehrabian published his book “Silent Messages”, suggesting that as little as 7 percent of communication relies on words. The rest depends on body language, gesture, facial expression and tone of voice. Although your baby has no real words until 12 to 18 months of age, he communicates constantly, practising many of the non-verbal skills that will smooth his path in life, as an effective communicator.


Early communication
Your newborn baby immediately communicates with you, through non-verbal crying. By the time he reaches 3 years of age, he talks in small sentences. As he makes that speedy language development journey, he combines developing motor skills with his growing intellect and social awareness to communicate. He interacts with you, his family and his widening circle of friends in any way he can find.


His first, hugely successful cries have you running towards him at top speed to feed, change or cuddle him. Every baby’s loud, shrill screams have an instant effect on his parents. Breast-feeding mothers find their milk flowing as soon as they hear them.


He notices your voice within days and soon turns towards you when you speak to him. Your words mean nothing to him at this stage but he notices whether your voice is loud of soft, angry or loving. He makes eye contact with you, learning the valuable lesson for life that non-verbal communication builds human relationships. His first social smile appears at around 3 months.


Your baby’s vocalisations begin to change. He coos with happiness and shouts with displeasure, but his first words remain a few months in the distance. In the meantime, he tries out different sounds, babbling happily in strings of nonsense sounds.


Signing
At around 6 to 9 months, he transfers objects from one hand to the other. He learns to wave “bye bye” and clap his hands. Parents sometimes like to introduce a few baby signs at this stage, such as simple signs for “eat”, “drink” and “more”. One or two small studies, described in Dr Marilyn Daniels’ “Dancing With Words”,suggest that babies who use signing show an increase in their measured IQs at the age of 8.


However, The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA) website points out that little research into the long-term benefits of baby signing exists. ASHA suggests that the IQ difference between babies whose parents use signing and other babies may be due to genetic and environmental advantages from the babies’ parents.


The Royal College of Speech and Language Therapists in the UK advises that signing parents should always combine the signs with the spoken word.


Whether you teach specific signs to your baby or not, he recognises your non-verbal behaviour. He knows when you are anxious or stressed, and responds by becoming fractious. By the end of his first year, he may become anxious when you leave him, because he recognises your unique place in his life. He continues to use eye contact, tone of voice and gestures such as shaking his head to communicate with you. He may say his first word, and his non-verbal skills continue to develop during the rest of his early years.


References
“The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals”; Charles Darwin; 1872


“Silent Messages”; Albert Mehrabian; 1971


“Dancing With Words”; Dr Marilyn Daniels; 2001


“SLTs Say Baby Signing Programmes are Not Necessary for Most Children”; RCSLT press release; 27 October 2003


The ASHA Leader; “About Baby Signing”; Brenda Seal; 2010


Ir you'd like to know how to help your child talk and grow smarter, take a peek at this Kindle eBook.

How to help your child talk and grow smarter: listening skills in his first year.

Your baby learns to talk by listening to you speaking. He needs to hear you clearly and concentrate on what you say. He may have perfect hearing, but if your words are drowned out by noise from the TV, he can’t pick out what you say. Turn all external noises off for at least an hour every day.
Children raised in noisy places find it hard to concentrate. They may find it hard to sleep properly, and they never learn to listen carefully and concentrate on one thing at a time.
Help your child learn to listen, and he will pay attention and concentrate. Knowing how to concentrate stands him in good stead when he goes to school.


Soothing noises
Learning to listen is a skill that your child begins to learn at birth, when he turns his head to your voice. Notice how your quiet voice soothes him, while loud noises startle him and may make him cry. He may like to listen to the washing machine or vacuum cleaner, as the quiet rumbles they make sound a little like the noises he heard before he was born, and he will love to listen to you talking or singing quietly.


Over-stimulation
While your baby is tiny, too many new sights, sounds and people can over-stimulate him. Be prepared to take him to a quiet place and soothe him if he becomes fractious. Everything seems new and strange to him, and he needs plenty of peaceful sleep. While he sleeps, his brain busily builds connections and helps him to make sense of the world.


As your baby grows, he spends longer periods awake and alert. Make sure he hears your voice, not voices from the television. He learns best from you, because you can adjust your voice and your words to his needs. Spend time with him and let the housework wait.


First year
Notice how your baby listens attentively to the noises around him during his first year. He may stop what he’s doing to listen to a new sound, and turn to search for something interesting, such as the sound of another baby. Watch how quickly he turns to hear a quiet rustle of paper behind his back.


From around six months, he’ll recognize familiar words. When you say the name of a family member, he’ll turn to look at her. He’ll enjoy the sound of his own voice and make repetitive babbling nonsense sounds, such as 'ba-ba-ba'. He’ll love to spend time with you, copying your babbling noises and laughing with delight.

If you'd like to find out how to help your child talk and grow smarter, check out this Kindle eBook.

Learning to talk is child's play

Watching children play is such fun. They love to offer pretend cups of tea, or bath teddy and put him to bed. It's even more fun to join in, and the great thing is that you're helping them learn to talk.


Pretending is so important to a child's developing language skills. There's good reason for this.


Language is a set of symbols
When your toddler offers you a cup of pretend tea from a miniature cup, and you pretend to drink it, nobody is fooled. He knows as well as you do that there is no real tea in the cup. What's more, he knows you know.


The cup represents or symbolizes a real cup of tea.


The word cup is a symbol that stands for a real cup, just as the toy cup does. Toys are symbols, so are pictures and so and words.


Although language is something that most of us learn easily, in fact it's a very sophisticated system of symbols. A word stands for something, just as a doll stands for a person and a picture of a toy car stands for a real car.


When you think of it like that, it's amazing that any of us learn to talk at all: never mind reading or writing.


We can help
Parents and grandparents can really help a baby learn about symbols.


The learning starts as he concentrates on one toy, staring at it, feeling it, sucking it. He doesn't need a cot full of stuff at this stage. He can only think about one thing at a time.


When he loses interest, offer him something else. This makes sure he isn't bombarded with too many things at once.


Then he starts to play with two things at a time, putting bricks in boxes and banging his rattle on his cot. This is the next step on the journey to language.


Soon you'll start to see real 'pretending' as he uses a toy teacup to pretend to drink. At first he pretends to drink himself or offers a drink to you, but then he'll offer a drink to teddy.


Now you can see that teddy is like a real person to him. He might kiss him, wash him, and out him to bed.


Here's where grownups really come into their own. This kind of play is for anyone. Even uncles who claim 'I don't know how to talk to children' enjoy tea parties, dressing doll games and pretending to bath teddy and put him to bed.


If you'd like to read more about language and communication skills, check out How To Help Your Child Talk and Grow Smarter, our Amazon Kindle eBook (you can also read it on iPhone, iPad, PC, Mac...     BUY NOW for only £5.66.