I saw a shocking advertisement the other day. Not one designed
to cause distress, nor an appeal for a good cause. The advertiser just wanted me to buy a
lottery ticket.
The presenter asked, “Are you doing the lottery?” and then
said, “You should be.” My blood boiled.
I have nothing against lotteries, or even against gambling
in moderation. After all, I will be happily rich when I hit the jackpot with my one weekly
ticket.
However, to suggest to someone that they are somehow failing
in some unspecified duty by not gambling is, I believe, immoral and potentially
harmful.
I blame the word “should.”
I would like to remove that word from every dictionary,
along with its equally insidious, creepy friend, “ought.”
I read the other day that some people struggle
for approval from others, while others work harder at avoiding disapproval. The
second group, the ones who struggle hard to avoid disapproval, suffer most from
“should” torment, but others are not immune.
Our longing to avoid censure means that many of us carry rucksacks-full
of guilt on our backs. We may be worried about what other people think or just
about the differences between the way we would like to be and the way we really
behave.
The fear of failure to meet our internal goals dogs many of us. We find it hard to avoid our condemnation of our own conduct and we have to
work hard to stay positive.
Every time someone tells me that I “should exercise more ”
or “ought to recycle” they tap directly into my store of guilt.
Using “should” can be an easy way of persuading, without
taking responsibility for the consequences.
“You should only feed your baby every four hours,” a doctor
told a new mother. The baby cried after three hours. What was the mother to do,
torn between the guilt of withholding food from her child and the guilt of
failing to do her duty, as set out by a person in authority?
The doctor could have avoided causing that problem. If she had said, “I advise feeding every four hours
if possible,” the baby’s mother would have felt free to make her own informed decision.
Or, if there was some unusual medical issue that meant this particular baby
would be in danger if fed earlier, the doctor could have made that clear by saying, “You must feed
every four hours.”
When you talk to your child, your partner, your colleague or your friend, you can avoid imposing a guilt trip.
You may be tempted to tell your child, “I think you should let Michael play
with the train.” This is unfair. It puts all the responsibility on the child.
Instead, be brave. If you really want your child to give the train to Michael,
say “It’s Michael’s turn. Give him the train now,” and make sure he obeys you. If
you’re not sure, why not let the children sort it out for themselves?
Instead of, “You should read that book,” try “I enjoyed that
book and I think you might, too.”
And when someone tries to sell you something by saying you “should”
buy it, remember they are trying to manipulate you through guilt and make up
your own mind.
More on making language work for you in these posts
Have you ever found yourself persuaded by someone making you feel guilty? I'd love to hear your story.
